When my kids were younger, we read a story called “Hug It Out” which was about a brother and sister learning how to resolve conflict by hugging it out. The story was memorable enough that I use this refrain often in my own house.
Hugging is also part of the etiquette in Muslim communities.
In fact, given that it’s Ramadan, Muslims are instructed to greet each other not only by saying ٱلسَّلَامُ عَلَيْكُمْ but also by embracing each other. Every time I go to the masjid, I see and greet anywhere from 20-30 people I know, and also people I do not know. I’m expected to greet someone regardless of my level of familiarity with a person. There’s also the injunction to smile because it’s part of prophetic character.
That means there are a lot of hugs and smiles to give.
The embrace is often a full-bodied hug.
Men embrace men. Women embrace women. No other combination works, just to be clear.
As a New Yorker who prefers my personal space, learning to hug and be hugged has been a new habit I’ve learned. I prefer to do a wave from a distance, but this month is not about my personal preferences. I assume no one recognizes me under my mask (which I wear for allergies) so I don’t have to greet people but that’s not how social obligations work. In intimate gatherings, I’ve observed that one must address and shake hands with each person (of the same sex) in the room. This is the right owed to members of the faith.
When I became a mother almost 9 years ago, I learned the importance of touch. Babies have no sense of personal space. One sleeps on your chest, the other infant curves like a crown on your head as you try to sleep. How did they even get in that spot? Maybe you wake up with a child’s foot in your face. Children want to be hugged, held, and reassured by a warm body. This physical contact doubles, triples even, when they are sick. The children are like forgotten evolutionary appendages when they’re feverish, or vomiting, and they remain at your side all day, every day until they are better.
Unfortunately, no consumer product can replace the mom’s body as a “lovely.” Trust me, I have purchased every soft, plush toy for my kids so that I could have some space. I made the mistake of not introducing the “lovely” early enough and for too many years, I was the thing that had to be held for my child to go to sleep. Now, that the kids are older and sleep independently of me, I remember this nightly physical routine of rubbing their backs or massaging their heads as we recite the three quls and maybe Sura Mulk before bedtime.
Personal Life Update:
My kids will be off from school for 2 weeks, starting this afternoon. Please don’t expect a daily or regular post from me until around April 15th. I’ll keep to my weekly Sunday cadence. I’ll also be in Notes, and sharing lessons from other brilliant writers on Substack, but I probably won’t be in your inbox regularly. I’ve had 4000 views this month, which is insane because I only have 300 subscribers. That means maybe the same people keep rereading the same posts? I don’t know how to make sense of the numbers.
Questions for You:
Do you find embracing other human beings… hard? Are you able to greet people warmly and genuinely? Does physical contact make you not want to be in public?
If you are the primary caregiver in your home, do you have expectations of your kids on spring or Eid break? How do you make time and space for your creative pursuits while the kids fight and scream? Seriously, I don’t know, which is why I am abandoning any expectations of writing until they go back to school.
Welcome to the Ramadan Learning Series, which offers micro-lessons I’m learning for a joyful Ramadan. I recently started to paywall my essays (80+ posts in less than a year) because I wanted to encourage people to subscribe and read my content for free as I publish rather frequently. Thanks for sharing and subscribing!
Here’s what I have so far:
Pre-Read: Ramadan: A Guest That Stays a Month.
Lesson 1: A Small Intention
Lesson 2: 3 Levels of Fasting
Lesson 3: Sleep is a Gift
Lesson 4: Do Less, Not More
Lesson 5: More Gifts
Lesson 6: Five-Minute Phone Calls
Lesson 7: Who’s Your Pharaoh
Lesson 8: A Pause
Lesson 9: Thank Your Mother
Lesson 10: Run from Triviality
Lesson 11: Don’t Stop Learning
Lesson 12: Let (the kids) Be Hungry
As much as I love people, I don’t like hugging strangers.
School vacations are tough. I would love to let my child do whatever he wants but then I feel guilty that he should have structure. I'm fine with hugs, what bugs me is when people stand really close to talk to me. If I look at you and all I see are your eyes, you're way too close for my comfort.