Welcome new readers to Ugly Shoes and Paper Planes! I’m Sadia. I navigate the ugly shoe stage of life when the kids, spouse, and even the house take priority over the self. I explore ancient Sufi texts and poems as a meaningful way to connect to my Muslim heritage. If you enjoy learning Islamic content while being slightly entertained, please consider signing up. This essay was edited as of 6/27. This is part 1 of a series on living prophetically, which will be the subject of Season 3 of Ugly Shoes.
“When choosing a topic, don’t try one that will please your parents, spouse of professors or a subject you think agents and editors will buy. Write what you find fascinating. What would you want to read, write and talk about for the next decade?”– Susan Shapiro, The Book Bible
The question that I find most fascinating is what does it mean to live prophetically in a modern, secular society? Maybe I would have more attention posting photos of cute babies and providing links to Amazon products to buy, but I would rather think about big questions.
While there are plenty of experts telling me what to do with my children, no one actually tells me how to be better towards other people, how to live in community, how to have the proper etiquettes in a society. Despite having access to a lot of information and research (thank you AI), I feel less equipped to actually parent myself or my kids in the world.
I worked for 4 years in early childhood development, funding research and communications projects to help parents raise healthy kids, and I organized many conferences with these experts. I have so many parenting books and apps and I’m happy that there are a plethora of resources to help parents feel less alone.
However, it feels like parenting has only gotten more isolating over a generation. Millennial parents, typically defined as individuals born between 1981 and 1996, represent a significant portion of the parenting population. As of 2024, millennial parents are aged between 28 and 43. We are the largest generational cohort, with a substantial portion being parents. This generation is highly educated, well-resourced, and invested in spending time and attention on their kids.
Despite resources, millennial parents experience high levels of stress. A report by the New York Times indicates that 67% of millennial parents feel significant pressure to meet societal standards of “perfect parenting,” contributing to their stress levels. About 55% of millennial parents say that social media adds to their stress by creating unrealistic expectations for parenting and lifestyle. Almost 45% of millennial parents feel isolated and lack adequate support” (American Psychological Association, 2019) .“Millennial parents value peer support networks” (National Parents Organization, 2018) and they are more likely to seek and value support from peer networks, both online and offline, to alleviate parenting stress.
Are these stats due to living in isolation, focused almost entirely on ourselves, our wants and our careers?
This week I’m attending a retreat with my family titled “Raising a Prophetic Family.” The purpose of the retreat is to understand the framework of Hadith Jibril to workshop issues related to raising a Muslim family. This framework is not intuitive and can’t be studied with a few YouTube videos. The shaykh taught a specific paradigm through which to think about family, and decisions pertaining to family. Families (mostly couples) worked through a series of questions, prompts and exercises to uncover what a family trying to achieve excellence looks like.
Surrounded by the Hudson River, scenic trails, and mountain ranges, the retreat was a respite for families to connect with each other, gain knowledge from Shaykh Yasir, and apply this knowledge to improve their family dynamic and ultimately to build spiritually-grounded communities.
I’ve enjoyed family vacations in nature and with friends with similarly aged children but family vacations to cultivate a prophetic community? That’s new. The organizers grouped families based on the ages of the kids. We were grouped with parents who have kids ages 0-10. The level of intentionality in the design and execution of the retreat was exceptional because the activities and outcomes lined up! I love when things line up like a logic model.
l expected very little from myself at this retreat given my responsibilities include feeding an infant every 2-3 hours. Let’s not forget I also sleep for 2-3 hour stretches. My mind is mostly Swiss cheese. What usually takes me 2 hours to write has taken me much, much longer. And forget editing. I’ve had to edit this piece 10 times since publishing— so many gaps.
While I have thoughts on what constitutes a prophetic community (that essay requires more sleep), I wanted to reflect on the etiquette that has benefited me as a new mother. This is the first postpartum period in which I have no paid work to return to. No employer is putting in my monthly deposit or paying my health insurance premiums either. I’m not sure why the hospital thought a $42,000 bill is something my insurance would pay. It feels absurd to be an American parent such that the first thing a parent needs to contend with - on top of the insane cost of everything- is their insurance bill, when they are so very tired.
The only bright side in the fuzzy postpartum period is the food.
This is the first time I have benefitted from being part of a community outside of work and family. It’s probably because I have had the time to invest in relationships with my neighbors and mom friends who are similarly situated in life with young kids. Many of the women who came bearing gifts and home cooked meals were part of a homeschooling cooperative I was part of for just 1 year. These mom friends and I came together to teach all our kids once a week in 2021-2022. It was one of the best investments I made in my kids’ lives, to be available and present to teach. And even though I enrolled my kids in regular school when they turned 7, these women have stayed in my life.
One of my neighbor-friends, Zahra organized a meal train since I came back from the hospital. Biryani, lasagna, rice, chicken curry, beef curry, salads, roti, lamb… meals I do not know how to make appear. It’s not the high-quality cooking that surprises me, but the fact that mothers with very demanding lives of homeschooling/doctoring/teaching/saving peoples’ lives would take the time to bring food for a nobody like me. Don’t they have families to feed too? I did not show up for any of these women, or reciprocate any of this kindness in the past. I hosted a moms-only gathering once but for the most part, I had no idea about this etiquette of cooking for postpartum mothers until now.
Mom friends have dropped off their old baby gear, gifted stuff, and sent meals. The most significant investment has been their time. Moms understand how physically and emotionally tough those first weeks are, how emotionally dysregulated the body becomes, and their response is to show up and listen.
Here in America, where your relatives (maybe) only visit for Eid, women-neighbor-friends have come together to support each other in a most critical time via this beautiful invention of this meal train. Perhaps they do this cooking and food delivery for the pleasure of God’s reward, which is greater than I can articulate.
I am grateful for this steady stream of visitors who break up the monotony of 2-hour feed-burb-change repeat cycles. Some women are even happy to hold a crying baby. (Please message me if this is your strength.)
I would never subject other people to my cooking, especially when there are so many great restaurants, but I am grateful for good food and even better companionship. Some of my friends from an hour away, I’ve not been able to accommodate their wanting to visit but my husband and I are looking forward to hosting visitors throughout the summer.
God bless all the mothers.
Also a huge shout out to the subscribers that are renewing their annual memberships and the folks who make sure their credit cards are still working each month. Um, please don’t end your paid monthly subscriptions!
A Question or Two
Have you found amazing neighbor friends who show up ? Any stories you want to share of service that was unexpected? Are you living a life of service (taking care of kids is an act of service)? Let’s meet in the comments!
Above is artwork my 6 year old gifted to me. Flowers/weeds he gathered on his nature walk are taped to a white foam board.
If you enjoyed this piece, you might also like the 411 on Islamic Spirituality.
The suhba (companionship) you reference is an integral piece of living prophetically that is really missing in current Muslim American society. My hypothesis is that the American sense of individualism and ingrained focus on our careers under the false pretenses of supporting the nuclear family are obstacles that we need to overcome. To progress forward in a way that truly reflects the love that the Prophet ﷺ set in Medina, I think we have a lot of communal and self work to do. Thanks for the piece Sadia; as always, humorous and inspiring.
I had a friend who came by every few days after I had my son. She didn’t ask if I needed anything she just folded laundry, washed dishes and roamed my fridge and cooked meals. I was too tired and thrown off from having a baby to do my usual, “no, sit down, I’ve got that.” It was the best gift I ever received Alhamdulillah.